When I first got divorced and I was navigating the waters of old friends with new relationships (That one friend that said she could be friends with both of us, that other friend that didn't say it in so many words - but was clearly on "his side"...).I had one or two friends that had already been divorced who said they would be there for me and help me through it. While I was thankful for their said assistance, I was really not sure how they would help me through this. Or what I really needed help with. But as my friend said - it is like when you get divorced you are marked and other people will ask for your help, they will ask your opinion and they will ask you what happened to you. Like the war stories of having a child, they would ask your divorce story.
For those of us who are parents, we know that each birth story is different for each CHILD not just each person. Divorce stories are like those of a parent. They are different for each couple. What may look similar to what you are experiencing my be very different based on the people that are involved in the situation.
I used to wear the divorce on me like Hester Prynne wore The Scarlet Letter. Like it was something to be ashamed of. Like something that had to bear my decision to be separated from my husband. That marked me as a single mom. There was even a new box to mark on my demographic forms. I still don't really understand why it can't just be Single or Married - why an extra one that says divorced? It was like I was to serve a penance to society for not being what the world expected of me (especially in the Stepford Wives area I live in).
I have been able to help a few others navigate getting to a new normal. A new space that daily life looks a little different. But we manage together. We get through it with new friends. We get to a new place where we are stronger for the decision we made once and the one we made at another time. Yes, it changes you. Divorce is never fun. It is difficult. It makes you question who you are and where you are headed. It brings fear and depression. It springs forth a new hope. It gives me faith that if I can just learn to lean on my friends I could be better. Those that REALLY care about me will be there for me. My friends don't really know what to do to help me - any more than I would know what or how to ask. But they are there to listen. To dream. To remind me that there is a future - mine to define and choose.
But now, I see it in a better light. I see it in a way that I am able to help others. I see it that I am no longer wearing a scarlet letter that marks me as something not whole. But rather a medal - a little like a war hero. Yes, I have been through war. I have had to make choices I had never hoped to make.
I have a hope for my future. I may look different than the one that I had envisioned for myself. It is different from the one my parents have and the one that my sister is leading. But that I who I am. I have been changed - but in a way that I am proud to display my medal that says, "I'm a divorcee." I will keep helping those that need me - just as those before me did for me.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Perspective
I need perspective. Sometimes when I feel bad that I have nothing it really takes some time for me to get some perspective. I needed to just see the life the way things
I go back to the time that I sat with someone at Ameristar Casino where she told me that the person she was dating was making "bank." I didn't know what that really meant. When i delved a bit further she said taht her honey that made bank was making $30,000 a year. I thought to myself that is not really bank. That I knew some people that were making move like $100,000! (but not me!) But then it was a total lesson for me on perspective. Where some people are struggling with money and others are not - is because their perspective. They spend within their means. They know what they can afford and don't spend over that.
I think about people who have much bigger problems in their life. Like where is their next meal coming from? Where are they going? They don't have the people to help them. They are not momentarily in a bad spot - but they are sort of there permanently.
I just wonder what kind of person I am? When all I want to do is crawl into my hole - when in reality. I have a lot going for me. I have an education (although I'm still paying for it), I have very little debt. I have a car and a house over my head - as well as places to go.
I have what I need with my kids. I have what I need with my friends and family. I have what I need because I believe that I have what I need. When I think that I don't have who and what I need around me is when I feel weak.The problem for me is to make you believe that you have what you need because you are strong. That you have what you need if you ask. You have what you need when you believe that you have all you need. I wonder where you are.
I go back to the time that I sat with someone at Ameristar Casino where she told me that the person she was dating was making "bank." I didn't know what that really meant. When i delved a bit further she said taht her honey that made bank was making $30,000 a year. I thought to myself that is not really bank. That I knew some people that were making move like $100,000! (but not me!) But then it was a total lesson for me on perspective. Where some people are struggling with money and others are not - is because their perspective. They spend within their means. They know what they can afford and don't spend over that.
I think about people who have much bigger problems in their life. Like where is their next meal coming from? Where are they going? They don't have the people to help them. They are not momentarily in a bad spot - but they are sort of there permanently.
I just wonder what kind of person I am? When all I want to do is crawl into my hole - when in reality. I have a lot going for me. I have an education (although I'm still paying for it), I have very little debt. I have a car and a house over my head - as well as places to go.
I have what I need with my kids. I have what I need with my friends and family. I have what I need because I believe that I have what I need. When I think that I don't have who and what I need around me is when I feel weak.The problem for me is to make you believe that you have what you need because you are strong. That you have what you need if you ask. You have what you need when you believe that you have all you need. I wonder where you are.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I'm no GONNA girl.
I will not win any parenting awards for this one. I had a fun weekend get away planned to take my kids to Glenwood Springs, Colorado. There we stayed at a nice hotel and enjoyed the hot springs pool. The next day, I wanted to take my kids on a hike to Hanging Lake.
I had attempted the hike several years back, when I was still married to their dad and they had not been born yet. He had encouraged me about half-way up the mountain to stop and go back down. I think he said he was tired, or bored...or something. This was not something that (I would later find out) was not an unusual claim when he was hitting the "I just don't wanna" or how I eventually nicknamed him as a "gonna guy." He was always gonna do this or gonna do that or gonna say this or that or whatever the occasion might be but he was just always gonna. I have been determined since the time of being divorced not to rule my world by a bunch of gonnas - but rather teach my kids the importance of actually doing what you say you are gonna do. They are slowly getting used to that (among other things that have changed since the divorce).
So the inital part of the hike is as simple as walking a bike-path along a river. It is simple and easy. But then the hike takes a turn and there are signs everywhere that say "be careful" and "strenuous hike ahead" and "Be prepared." I tried to divert the attention of my kids thinking that a twelve and ten year old child can certainly bound up a 1.2 mile hike no problem (I had seen them run in circles many times before and knew that the distance would not be a problem). I made sure that we all had water bottles (and my daughter even got to wear the water backpack). I had packed snacks. After all, I am a prepared mom!
At the first bridge, my son said he was tired. He is a mini-me of his father. I would not let him quit! Football is his life and in particular, Michigan Football (another product of his dad's brainwashing I believe). He happened to have on his Michigan jersey at the time. When he started complaining... (and I'm not PROUD of this) I had had it. I informed him that the University of Michigan would not be proud of a quitter wearing their colors or jersey. And I told him that furthermore, a football player no matter where he went to school would not be the quitting type. They would work hard and do what their coach told them.
Apparently, my word hit the mark because he go up enough to go to the next bridge (bridges were for breaks I told them). At the next bridge he complained again this time louder and with more intensity. Like he wanted to go home. I had had it with him. I sat him down and said a few things to him... I told him that the last time I came I didn't get to the top to see the beautiful lake. That I had promised myself that if I had the opportunity to come back I would see it. That I expected more from him. He is just a kid with lots of energy. I told him that he had two choices: He could either sit there an wallow in sadness as his sister and I went tot he top (and it would take about an hour) and hope that a mountain lion didn't drag his carcass off or two - he come along. But he could not so and sit in the car. I wouldn't give the keys to a 12 year old. And Glenwood Springs was too far away for his dad to come and rescue him (it is about two and a half hours from Denver). Then I turned on my heels and said to his sister, "C'mon, Let's go!" She was torn does she sit with her brother? or does she leave him alone?
She chose to come with me. The other half mile up to the lake. She was awed and amazed at it. She thought it was so beautiful .We took pictured and enjoyed a cookie from the backpack. Then we figured that we should not take too long at the top. That we should find our way to my son.
Just as we were beginning the descent back down the mountain. We came around a corner, to see my son ambling his was toward the top. My daughter was so excited to see him she nearly knocked him over. I was proud that he had the gumption to actually get going and not wait for the mountain lion (ok, so it was a bit of a farce as a mountain lion would not likely come on a VERY busy trail like that - but I knew it would scare him).
The funny part about it is that he said there was on sentence that had kept him going. He repeated it under his breath the whole way up. "I hate you mom." I told him. I don't love it. But whatever it takes to get it done!
I heard him tell his dad the story of how he climbed up the mountain - no problem when he got out of the car as I dropped him off to his dad's house after the weekend.
Yeah, I'm no gonna girl. I will not leave my gonnas out there undone. I believe that I am a DO IT girl. I hope that I can teach my kids to be DO IT kids too. That even if they have to mutter things under their breath that I don't love - that they don't leave things out there undone in the abyss of Gonna Land.
I had attempted the hike several years back, when I was still married to their dad and they had not been born yet. He had encouraged me about half-way up the mountain to stop and go back down. I think he said he was tired, or bored...or something. This was not something that (I would later find out) was not an unusual claim when he was hitting the "I just don't wanna" or how I eventually nicknamed him as a "gonna guy." He was always gonna do this or gonna do that or gonna say this or that or whatever the occasion might be but he was just always gonna. I have been determined since the time of being divorced not to rule my world by a bunch of gonnas - but rather teach my kids the importance of actually doing what you say you are gonna do. They are slowly getting used to that (among other things that have changed since the divorce).
So the inital part of the hike is as simple as walking a bike-path along a river. It is simple and easy. But then the hike takes a turn and there are signs everywhere that say "be careful" and "strenuous hike ahead" and "Be prepared." I tried to divert the attention of my kids thinking that a twelve and ten year old child can certainly bound up a 1.2 mile hike no problem (I had seen them run in circles many times before and knew that the distance would not be a problem). I made sure that we all had water bottles (and my daughter even got to wear the water backpack). I had packed snacks. After all, I am a prepared mom!
At the first bridge, my son said he was tired. He is a mini-me of his father. I would not let him quit! Football is his life and in particular, Michigan Football (another product of his dad's brainwashing I believe). He happened to have on his Michigan jersey at the time. When he started complaining... (and I'm not PROUD of this) I had had it. I informed him that the University of Michigan would not be proud of a quitter wearing their colors or jersey. And I told him that furthermore, a football player no matter where he went to school would not be the quitting type. They would work hard and do what their coach told them.
Apparently, my word hit the mark because he go up enough to go to the next bridge (bridges were for breaks I told them). At the next bridge he complained again this time louder and with more intensity. Like he wanted to go home. I had had it with him. I sat him down and said a few things to him... I told him that the last time I came I didn't get to the top to see the beautiful lake. That I had promised myself that if I had the opportunity to come back I would see it. That I expected more from him. He is just a kid with lots of energy. I told him that he had two choices: He could either sit there an wallow in sadness as his sister and I went tot he top (and it would take about an hour) and hope that a mountain lion didn't drag his carcass off or two - he come along. But he could not so and sit in the car. I wouldn't give the keys to a 12 year old. And Glenwood Springs was too far away for his dad to come and rescue him (it is about two and a half hours from Denver). Then I turned on my heels and said to his sister, "C'mon, Let's go!" She was torn does she sit with her brother? or does she leave him alone?
She chose to come with me. The other half mile up to the lake. She was awed and amazed at it. She thought it was so beautiful .We took pictured and enjoyed a cookie from the backpack. Then we figured that we should not take too long at the top. That we should find our way to my son.
Just as we were beginning the descent back down the mountain. We came around a corner, to see my son ambling his was toward the top. My daughter was so excited to see him she nearly knocked him over. I was proud that he had the gumption to actually get going and not wait for the mountain lion (ok, so it was a bit of a farce as a mountain lion would not likely come on a VERY busy trail like that - but I knew it would scare him).
The funny part about it is that he said there was on sentence that had kept him going. He repeated it under his breath the whole way up. "I hate you mom." I told him. I don't love it. But whatever it takes to get it done!
I heard him tell his dad the story of how he climbed up the mountain - no problem when he got out of the car as I dropped him off to his dad's house after the weekend.
Yeah, I'm no gonna girl. I will not leave my gonnas out there undone. I believe that I am a DO IT girl. I hope that I can teach my kids to be DO IT kids too. That even if they have to mutter things under their breath that I don't love - that they don't leave things out there undone in the abyss of Gonna Land.
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