I wear the medal

When I first got divorced and I was navigating the waters of old friends with new relationships (That one friend that said she could be friends with both of us, that other friend that didn't say it in so many words - but was clearly on "his side"...).I had one or two friends that had already been divorced who said they would be there for me and help me through it. While I was thankful for their said assistance, I was really not sure how they would help me through this. Or what I really needed help with. But as my friend said - it is like when you get divorced you are marked and other people will ask for your help, they will ask your opinion and they will ask you what happened to you. Like the war stories of having a child, they would ask your divorce story.

For those of us who are parents, we know that each birth story is different for each CHILD not just each person. Divorce stories are like those of a parent. They are different for each couple. What may look similar to what you are experiencing my be very different based on the people that are involved in the situation.

I used to wear the divorce on me like Hester Prynne wore The Scarlet Letter. Like it was something to be ashamed of. Like something that had to bear my decision to be separated from my husband. That marked me as a single mom. There was even a new box to mark on my demographic forms.  I still don't really understand why it can't just be Single or Married - why an extra one that says divorced? It was like I was to serve a penance to society for not being what the world expected of me (especially in the Stepford Wives area I live in).

I have been able to help a few others navigate getting to a new normal. A new space that daily life looks a little different. But we manage together. We get through it with new friends. We get to a new place where we are stronger for the decision we made once and the one we made at another time. Yes, it changes you. Divorce is never fun. It is difficult. It makes you question who you are and where you are headed. It brings fear and depression. It springs forth a new hope. It gives me faith that if I can just learn to lean on my friends I could be better. Those that REALLY care about me will be there for me. My friends don't really know what to do to help me - any more than I would know what or how to ask. But they are there to listen. To dream. To remind me that there is a future - mine to define and choose.

But now, I see it in a better light. I see it in a way that I am able to help others. I see it that I am no longer wearing a scarlet letter that marks me as something not whole. But rather a medal - a little like a war hero. Yes, I have been through war. I have had to make choices I had never hoped to make.

I have a hope for my future. I may look different than the one that I had envisioned for myself. It is different from the one my parents have and the one that my sister is leading. But that I who I am. I have been changed - but in a way that I am proud to display my medal that says, "I'm a divorcee." I will keep helping those that need me - just as those before me did for me.