Accomplished

I went to lunch with my friend Andri to day. She is such a light of a person. I love hanging out with her. Her easy way of being so self assured. Her way of showing everyone else around her that it is easy to laugh. That it is good to have fun. 

While at lunch, she was telling me that she is so proud of her sister. She was lit up with the pride of an older sister.  She was telling me that her sister is so accomplished. That she [her sister] has come a long way from her shy days in High School. So I asked her what success means. What does accomplishment mean?

And while in my self absorbed way (thinking about where I am in life right now) - I was wondering if her sister knew how proud of her she is...I was thinking about how I have not spent the time to tell those around me how proud of them that I am - about what their successes and troubles teach me. Who I look up to and why. So here are a few long overdue praises for family and friends that come to mind. 

My sister - despite me being the big sister, you have done far more than teach me a thing or two. I am so proud of the mom and wife you are. You continue to show me daily - how to make sure that my priorities are straight. That job is not the be-all end-all no matter how fun it may seem. You live a life that is so white-picket fence. The kind of life that people spend a lifetime believing is only possible in a movie is your life. You are far more accomplished than I give you credit for. You are accomplished as the perfect sister.

My friend Angie - Angie knows who she is and what is important in life. You believe so strongly in your convictions and beliefs. You have proven to me that life may not be easy always - but there is always something to look forward to. You prove over and over again that pit or no - you can claw your way to getting everything want and everything you believe possible for yourself. You are far more accomplished than you give yourself credit for. As I told you the other day - if I only had 1/2 the things going for me that you do for you I would be in such a happy place.

My High School Girls - (Kim, JoAnn, Andri, Valerie, Tracey) - You are all amazing women in  your own right. Friendships can cross boundaries of great schims of time and different lives (we cold not all have been in more diverse places). I love each of you for what you show me. That I know no matter what.

To Loretta - You continually teach me that diversity is beautiful. Different thoughts are to be celebrated (even though you and I agree on much). That I have a responsibility to make the world a better place. You are a beautiful person inside and out.  You are far more accomplished than the degrees, education, and experiences that you have had.

To My Parents - for showing me there is hope for finding the right fit in a mate - someone who really is  your best friend and can have fun with you in the Best Western's in Rifle or in the Palace Suite in Las Vegas (with a $750 food tab!). For showing me how to live an honorable life of hard work and working for the things that mean the most (family!). You are accomplished in teaching me to be a responsible & contributing adult.

Thank you Andri - for giving me the time to remember to tell those people closest to me that they are special! That like you are of your sister, I am around amazingly accomplished people -  you are one of them! 

More questions

Sometimes, I like to think that I am in control of my life. Like I somehow was the grand designer of where I am. But then I see that there is a color wheel that I've totally missed on the painting of where I am and where I want to be. The picture is not complete without it.

There is one thing I wish for more than anything - but there is absolutely nothing that I can do to create it for myself. It is a dance. It is a balance. 

Do I tell him that I like him and that he occupies by thoughts? Does he know that? Does he reciprocate it? Does he care? Does he feel the same? Does he just hang out with me to be nice - because he doesn't have anything else to do? Does he have the same fears? Does he care about his fears? What does he care about? What do I know? What don't I? Why are there so many questions - when I think I should be learning the answers?

What is the one thing? Is there one thing? What matters? What doesn't? 

Suffice it to say, I am lost. I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to start. This is something you can not learn because there are so many other factors at play. It is not a simple equation that is easy to read and understand. 

I am somehow confused...looks right, feels right...no feedback. None. Done?