Living in the Grey

I have a hard time living in the Grey. No, I'm not talking about the best seller, Fifty Shades of Grey although I've read it (or at least the first one). I have been blessed to live a life that has had some fantastic ups and devastating lows (If my life was a personality type I might be classified as manic-depressive). 

I laugh a bit as the biggest example happened to me over the summer. One weekend I was treated as a total VIP in Las Vegas (picked up in a limo, taken out to dinners, golf, huge room, bell people at my disposal, VIP bank of elevator too!) and then the next weekend, I was staying with my friend at her cabin in Wyoming (no indoor plumbing). That is where I live my life - at either extreme. 

I have lived on a high of getting nearly every wish I had hoped for and then stayed just long enough to see the whole thing crumble into a mess that I'm still trying to dig out from. I know that I am not the first or only woman who has had to deal with issues like divorce, unemployment, and being scared and feeling utterly alone (and I had all of the bad happen to me all at once, fun stuff)!

But I've come to realize that my bad is nothing compared to what some other women deal with. I had heard it a million times before - blah, blah all about attitude. But then I am constantly being told that I am one of the most positive people that many people know. I honestly believe that things will go my way. I believe that what I have is enough. What I need is nothing more than my basic needs being met. I don't need the trappings of labels, big homes or fancy cars. I need to know that I am making a difference in the lives of the people that mean most to me. That meant that I had to drill down who meant most. 

So grey? I don't live there. I don't like normal. I like happy. I like extreme. I like not being tethered to someone else's idea of what my life should look like and what my reaction to it should be. I am finally done with should, could and would. You can keep them. I am into DO these days. If you think that is extreme. So be it. I live and love in the extreme.

I talk too much

My daughter sat on the couch right next to me. We were having one of our unusual evenings where I was not dragging my kids from one event to another - or just trying to get them out to play. She leaned over to me with a sweet smile on her face. She said, "mom, you talk too much." 

There was no judgement in her statement. She just didn't like the way I was trying to explain a situation. But then she started to speak - she didn't stop for at least 20 minutes. I'm not exaggerating (although many times I do). She was telling me about a story that they were reading in school. She must have memorized it word for word. There was no recapping of the story AT ALL. 

I couldn't help but smile a little as I said, "honey, you talk a lot too." Like mother like daughter. I love that girl!

Guest Blogger?

I blog elsewhere. I blog about great deals at Denver Post's MileHighMamas.com. Yes, I am the queen of get it cheap or free. I'm usually in for anything that has to do with deals. I have been able to experience a lot of great things (including getting to see the preview for menus, meals and more food deals....) but never ever ever have I been asked to guest blog on someone else's post.

What scares me the most is this friend of mine writes about cooking and food. I pretty much am the understudy for Sandra Lee's semi-home made. If it is boxed, bagged, or frozen I can totally do that. But actually blogging a recipe. Hmmm...most of the time my kids beg to eat the cat food before they would place anything I actually COOK into their mouths. And my kids are NOT picky. So...now what do I do? I come up with something? Do I just write about some great idea I totally made up out of pre-cooked and/or canned? 

I kind of find it funny! Let's see how this will go... um...open this can..dump in pot. Open that can...dump in pot.  Open this bag...and voila instant-ish yumminess! Right?  Ha ha.   Can someone give me direction?  Check out her blog - http://baconandotherbadhabits.com/ fancy right?

Repeating our path

I used to write a blog that I kept private. Just one to deal with my feelings as I was going through divorce. My divorce was final three years ago - in 2009. When I think about all that has happened and what has changed in the past three years, I had the opportunity to look back at some of those posts. 

Most of them were fraught with questions. I have been told before that I do ask a lot of questions. I'm ok with that. Perhaps that training at the j-school in Boulder, CO actually had some affect. 

I can't say that all of the questions have gone away. Most of them are still there. Most of them are deep dark decisions that mean me crawling from behind whatever it is that I am hiding behind. I am sort of hiding from everything. I am still just who I am or was back then. And maybe even I am who I was when I was a child. But not certain that I have any better understanding.

I am lucky. I live a life that is kind of out of the box. I get to experience things that many people do not (or don't even want to). I drag my kids into my adventure filled world. Sometimes they like it and sometimes they don't. 

But what I am most afraid of is repeating my path. I'm afraid of doing the same things over and over again and not getting any change. I need to find the things that will give me a positive change. I need to continue to grow. I need to take the parts of me that I like and make them BETTER. So that I can teach myself and my kids that we should never be repeating the same path.

Absolutely Amazing

Sometimes I am awed at the lift I have been granted to live. I love the extras that my life offers. While I can not say that my life is any sort of fairy tale in the traditional sense of prince/princess, two kids, white picket fence etc. I do realize that I am given amazing opportunities to see and do things that many others do not do - and simply because I have been given the gift of being able to talk through words and the willingness to write for no fees!

Trying to understand

I am trying with all my might to understand it. I can not. It is not mine to understand anyway. Maybe it just means I need to let it be. Leave it alone - like a dead animal along the side of the road. Something that at one time I thought was cute - but realize upon inspection that it really is nothing of the sort. 

I realize that it is nothing more than a lesson for me. Sometimes I think that the universe is conspiring for or against me. Most recently I saw a quote that says, "Being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."  That has never been as true for me as it is right now. I am needing to overlook and overthrow my own thoughts - I have not had enough time to focus on what I need to focus on because there was something/one else in the way. It was not good for me. I couldn't see that until I was forced to.

But now I realize that it had little do to with me...

Is there a formula?

I had an opportunity to go to breakfast with one of my best friends. I always love spending time with her and I sometimes like what she has to say. :) Just kidding! She usually gives me great advice and also sees me in a way that I don't often let others see me as. I have kind of a way of being that is public and one that is more of a private persona.

I was lamenting (again) about how things have not turned out the way that I wish they would. I had this picture in my head of what I wanted this life to look like. I guess in some ways I really wanted to model it after what the rest of the world thinks of the perfect middle-class life. I wish I was married, with 2.5 kids, dog, suv, job and a house. But I pretty much didn't even get half of that right at this mid-life check. Yes, I called it a check not a crisis because I don't really believe that life should at any point be a crisis. 

I have been up and down with jobs and while I wish that I could be in some normal job and stay there for years and years. I kind of wish that I would know when I could take vacation and know that I'll be paid for it. But I really believe that God has led me into another direction. No matter  how hard I really try to mentally shun it - because it was not on the "list."

I WAS married. That was wrong too. I married someone because I thought that is what I was supposed to do. It was the right timing. He was the first person who asked me. It was OK. I will tell you that because it was never right from the beginning...it never got better!  

We did end up having kids (that is one of the things that I got right - at least having them was right). I have a wonderful son and daughter. They are on the verge of being teens. I'm afraid of that. I have in no way gotten any of the parenting part right. I try to stick to my guns, I make them mad (I'm told this is a teen thing). But if I get a little lax, I'm wrong to my conservative family. I'm pretty sure I won't win the cool parent award. But I'm not really certain that I was trying for it.

I have the SUV. It's broken. I'm house-bound again tonight while the dealer tries to figure out why it starts when it decides it wants to. Maybe cars take after their owners in the way dogs do? That's ok because if dog was supposed to be on my list, maybe my car can double in it's place. I have a crazy cat instead. I don't want to be the crazy cat lady - so I let the cat be the crazy one.

So, really? Does life have to have a formula? Do we have to live like someone else taught us? Or perhaps what is better is that we live the life we are meant to. Go toward the leanings no matter who will think you are crazy. Go with what is not normal and see how much better it can be than the mediocre formulaic life that someone else had invisioned for you. I choose to live life each day for what it gives me. Prepare for the future but from a position of seeing each day as a gift.