I do this thing on Sunday mornings. I have been doing it intermittently for a couple years now. I love to go on a long hike. I enjoy being outside and I let my music just go - as if it was speaking to me - whatever I really need to hear that week. Or something I have to think on or learn in my life. Most of the time, this is the way for me to really escape daily life and feel my strength or to think on something that is bothering me or making little sense.
Some of my friends know I do this. Some do not. It really isn't for them. It is wholly devoted to myself. I love to go on Sunday. I call it my personal church. I can be outside in the elements (today it was sunny and nice - not too warm and not too cold - although the afternoon clouds were rolling in when I was getting off the mountain) and have some alone time. I am also reminded that I am capable when I hike. I am able to hike and move and sing and listen and see nature....
Today I was contemplating why I can't seem to let something go. I continue to hang on to something that is long over and done. The revelation came to me to just be patient. I am not at the spot that God really needs me in yet. I am not fully developed (not that I think I really ever will be). But I know that God has made me for excatly what I am meant to be. In the timing that is right for me He gives me what and who I need. I can not force things and/or people that were not meant to be a part of my life to be in it. I can not make someone else think or do something. I must be patient. Perfect is coming.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I looked in
I live in an apartment complex. When I go to get the mail, I have to take a walk from the back of the complex to the front. I can't say that I really make an effort to look (or not) in the open windows of my neighbors homes.
I don't think I like the idea that anyone else would do the same to me. I close the windows at night and hope that all anyone could see in is a sliver of light. Something that may say that I am home, but not what I'm doing inside (which usually involves me watching TV, playing on the computer or cooking).
But I can't help it. I do. I look into my neighbors homes. I wonder as I walk by, if that really is just normal life for them. Have they decorated similarly to me? How can a place that is EXACTLY like mine look nothing like mine? Do the people inside know that I wish for a moment I could be in their house? Do they know that I wish I knew what they were talking about? Do they know that they look so sweet having dinner - with the candle flickering on the table between them? Do they know that someone else wishes they had that kind of life.
I am not saying that I don't like the life that I have. (I actually quite enjoy it and like to brag about it on Facebook). I am blessed to be able to get to see and do the things that I do. But, I can't help but think a bit on what other people see in my window when they walk by. Do they wonder where I am when I'm not there? Do they care? Do they see me laughing with my kids and hope that they had the same relationship with theirs?
I looked in to their life. I liked what I saw. But what I liked even more was when I looked into my own (did some self exploration) and realized that I don't need anything else right now.
I don't think I like the idea that anyone else would do the same to me. I close the windows at night and hope that all anyone could see in is a sliver of light. Something that may say that I am home, but not what I'm doing inside (which usually involves me watching TV, playing on the computer or cooking).
But I can't help it. I do. I look into my neighbors homes. I wonder as I walk by, if that really is just normal life for them. Have they decorated similarly to me? How can a place that is EXACTLY like mine look nothing like mine? Do the people inside know that I wish for a moment I could be in their house? Do they know that I wish I knew what they were talking about? Do they know that they look so sweet having dinner - with the candle flickering on the table between them? Do they know that someone else wishes they had that kind of life.
I am not saying that I don't like the life that I have. (I actually quite enjoy it and like to brag about it on Facebook). I am blessed to be able to get to see and do the things that I do. But, I can't help but think a bit on what other people see in my window when they walk by. Do they wonder where I am when I'm not there? Do they care? Do they see me laughing with my kids and hope that they had the same relationship with theirs?
I looked in to their life. I liked what I saw. But what I liked even more was when I looked into my own (did some self exploration) and realized that I don't need anything else right now.
Look again
I look again. I re-read it and check the posts one more time. As if by looking one more time it would say or mean something different. It doesn't I know that. I think it is really clear. I don't want it. I want to believe the other things that I have made up in my head. I want to believe the fairy tale. I want to understand something completely different.
I want something magical to pop up when I least expect it. I want some other outcome. So this time when I look, I will have to look somewhere else. For something else. No matter what, it will be what I make it. Hopefully this time I can make it for EXACTLY what it is and not what it in my head.
I want something magical to pop up when I least expect it. I want some other outcome. So this time when I look, I will have to look somewhere else. For something else. No matter what, it will be what I make it. Hopefully this time I can make it for EXACTLY what it is and not what it in my head.
Monday, September 24, 2012
I'm funny
I think I have a future as a comedian. At least I think I'm funny. I like to make the people around me laugh. I can't say that I really even TRY. I just am. That usually means that when there is a group photo, I'm the one with my mouth wide open. I can't just stand there and smile. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. I say silly things and ask weird questions. oh well. It's who I AM.
It is funny. People laugh and seem to have fun when they are around me. So, who cares if it is a little weird?
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Lost & Found
My son had this really amazing lunchbox to start the year. It was insulated and when you put it in the freezer, the sidewalls would become frozen blocks - no inserts needed. It was really cool. Even he said it was cool.
I mean, it was no superhero's tin sidewall lunchbox like I used to have but, it was cool to him.
He lost it. First week of school. He tells me he stops by the Lost & Found daily looking for it. He eagle-eyes the other kids in school to see if they have somehow started using HIS lunch box as their own. He is sort of distraught about this lunch box!
I don't really remember picking out my own Super Friends lunchbox or thinking it was all that cool. I remember having it. I remember being defined by the new lunchbox I had or the new backpack or the new coat.
I can recall making the trip to the mall (or to the BIG City when we lived in Steamboat we would make the three-hour drive to Denver) to get school supplies and clothes in the fall. This usually meant that my mom would put what seemed like a boat-load of clothes on lay-away in early August and we would finally get them out some time in September. It was kind of like a second Christmas. But, my sister and I knew that whatever we chose would have to last for a whole year. But, I digress.
Clothes or lunchbox when you add it up is not a significant spend (or at least it doesn't have to be). But these items so define a kid in school. So...Do I buy my son another lunchbox? Or let him deal with the horror of being seen with one that is sooo last year (in fact it IS last year - we bought it then and it somehow didn't get lost in the first week of school - we had it all year plus the summer)? Does anyone know where I can get him a Super Friends lunch tin? I think I must have lost it.
I mean, it was no superhero's tin sidewall lunchbox like I used to have but, it was cool to him.
He lost it. First week of school. He tells me he stops by the Lost & Found daily looking for it. He eagle-eyes the other kids in school to see if they have somehow started using HIS lunch box as their own. He is sort of distraught about this lunch box!
I don't really remember picking out my own Super Friends lunchbox or thinking it was all that cool. I remember having it. I remember being defined by the new lunchbox I had or the new backpack or the new coat.
I can recall making the trip to the mall (or to the BIG City when we lived in Steamboat we would make the three-hour drive to Denver) to get school supplies and clothes in the fall. This usually meant that my mom would put what seemed like a boat-load of clothes on lay-away in early August and we would finally get them out some time in September. It was kind of like a second Christmas. But, my sister and I knew that whatever we chose would have to last for a whole year. But, I digress.
Clothes or lunchbox when you add it up is not a significant spend (or at least it doesn't have to be). But these items so define a kid in school. So...Do I buy my son another lunchbox? Or let him deal with the horror of being seen with one that is sooo last year (in fact it IS last year - we bought it then and it somehow didn't get lost in the first week of school - we had it all year plus the summer)? Does anyone know where I can get him a Super Friends lunch tin? I think I must have lost it.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Breckenridge Oktoberfest
I keep saying to people that I lead an amazing life. That I get to do fun things. But then when I try to talk through them or explain, I have the hardest time. So, I've decided that I will start talking about the fun and random moments in my life.
This last weekend I got to go to Oktoberfest in Breckenridge, CO. The event takes up the entire Main Street in Breckenridge. I was invited to come up by my friend Rachel, who is the PR Director for the town of Breckenridge (THANKS RACHEL). She set me up with four beer steins and four drink tickets.
I invited my fun friend Rachel (a different Rachel) to join me. My friend Janette lives up there, so I called and asked if she would like to meet up for lunch. She said yes. I had only met Janette one other time - when I went to Breckenridge for a FAM trip. (I'll tell you about that another time). I also had my friend Bill meet us up there - and he brought his girlfriend too...(more on that another time too I guess - as if there is much to say about it)....
We drank beers all afternoon! Rachel figured out a way to pick up tickets from the ground and re-use them and Janette knew someone at the VIP area. Plus, Rachel kind of talked someone at the VIP area to give us his pass as he was leaving for the day.
After Oktoberfest and all the drinking (we started at 11) we went to J's condo. Hung out for just a few minutes before deciding that we needed to go get something to eat. As we were leaving the room, we met a guy who was going into his place across the hall. Not really sure what happened, but we ended up going into his condo - sitting on his counter and talking. We asked him to go with us to dinner. Yes, all three girls and this random guy who we didn't know. We went to a mexican place. The food there was awful.
After dinner, we went up to Jack & something (Ok, I totally forgot the name but we had met Jack, one of the owners earlier in the day). Jack remembered us and brought us shots. Shortly thereafter, we went downstairs to Cecilia's to dance. The guy that had stuck around with us from dinner was becoming annoying. Rach and I totally ditched him at the club - or not, but we ignored him. We danced the night away with a group of 5 guys. They all seemed pretty nice, but we surmised later, that they were probably married (or at least some of them). Cause they didn't ask for numbers or anything.
I act like I'm all outgoing girl - and I am (for the most part) but, when it comes to guys - they still have to ask me for my number. They have to make the first moves. It is what it is.
This last weekend I got to go to Oktoberfest in Breckenridge, CO. The event takes up the entire Main Street in Breckenridge. I was invited to come up by my friend Rachel, who is the PR Director for the town of Breckenridge (THANKS RACHEL). She set me up with four beer steins and four drink tickets.
I invited my fun friend Rachel (a different Rachel) to join me. My friend Janette lives up there, so I called and asked if she would like to meet up for lunch. She said yes. I had only met Janette one other time - when I went to Breckenridge for a FAM trip. (I'll tell you about that another time). I also had my friend Bill meet us up there - and he brought his girlfriend too...(more on that another time too I guess - as if there is much to say about it)....
We drank beers all afternoon! Rachel figured out a way to pick up tickets from the ground and re-use them and Janette knew someone at the VIP area. Plus, Rachel kind of talked someone at the VIP area to give us his pass as he was leaving for the day.
After dinner, we went up to Jack & something (Ok, I totally forgot the name but we had met Jack, one of the owners earlier in the day). Jack remembered us and brought us shots. Shortly thereafter, we went downstairs to Cecilia's to dance. The guy that had stuck around with us from dinner was becoming annoying. Rach and I totally ditched him at the club - or not, but we ignored him. We danced the night away with a group of 5 guys. They all seemed pretty nice, but we surmised later, that they were probably married (or at least some of them). Cause they didn't ask for numbers or anything.
I act like I'm all outgoing girl - and I am (for the most part) but, when it comes to guys - they still have to ask me for my number. They have to make the first moves. It is what it is.
Take a Risk
It occurred to me tonight, as I sat through a presentation about a communication workshop. Trying to define what I am really missing in my life and drilling down to the meat of what I have and don't have in my life. I think I'm pretty clear on what I don't have. I've also done my part in trying to determine why I believe the things that I do and what is behind those thoughts.
While I was there, I explained where I am with what I wanted to "work on" (my career). There was a part of the workshop that asked us to really define what we are doing, what we have (the results) and being. In response I really replied that I am jumping off the corporate train into the world of individual sales. I am enjoying the perks of the job (lunches, time off etc). Which means that I have lack of clients, that I have fear, that I don't have money in the bank, that I have unresolved debt. I then am left being kind of lazy, kind of fearful, kind of still in debit,....
When I was leaving, I met another person who told me that she just wanted to say hello to me as what I had said had so closely echoed her own experience. When she went on to explain, I realized that indeed we have several similarities. Which gave me ponderance to think about why I feel the way I do. (which amazingly - is EXACTLY the outcome they wanted to happen).
When you wrap your thoughts around what might or might not be true in your world - you create you own type of reality. While the events have an element of truth to them - they also have a truth to what you emotionally attach to them. What you make up in your head about what you believe about yourself or what you believe of others or even what others believe of you...is largely made up in your head.
This can have an effect in many areas of your life. And perhaps when you apply the principles of it to your life your life can become more fulfilling all the way around. Opening up that thought process and knowing why you believe something can help you get to the bottom of it to change it. To make it a brighter point of truth and hope.
But the reality of this thought process has me thinking in so many other areas of my life that could benefit from this type of thinking. From a renewed sense of where I can really go if I don't attach negative thoughts and behaviors behind myself. That I don't listen to the little voice in my head that says no - but rather teach it to be friends with the voice that says anything is possible. That you are good at what you have chosen to do. That you are perfect exactly the way you are - and if others can't see that...well that is their problem.
Take a risk - believe that ANYTHING is possible. That the rules that you have believed about yourself in your head - just are not true. That those rules don't apply to you. You can do what you want. You will succeed in whatever you set your mind to. That you can set the nay-sayers right.
While I was there, I explained where I am with what I wanted to "work on" (my career). There was a part of the workshop that asked us to really define what we are doing, what we have (the results) and being. In response I really replied that I am jumping off the corporate train into the world of individual sales. I am enjoying the perks of the job (lunches, time off etc). Which means that I have lack of clients, that I have fear, that I don't have money in the bank, that I have unresolved debt. I then am left being kind of lazy, kind of fearful, kind of still in debit,....
When I was leaving, I met another person who told me that she just wanted to say hello to me as what I had said had so closely echoed her own experience. When she went on to explain, I realized that indeed we have several similarities. Which gave me ponderance to think about why I feel the way I do. (which amazingly - is EXACTLY the outcome they wanted to happen).
When you wrap your thoughts around what might or might not be true in your world - you create you own type of reality. While the events have an element of truth to them - they also have a truth to what you emotionally attach to them. What you make up in your head about what you believe about yourself or what you believe of others or even what others believe of you...is largely made up in your head.
This can have an effect in many areas of your life. And perhaps when you apply the principles of it to your life your life can become more fulfilling all the way around. Opening up that thought process and knowing why you believe something can help you get to the bottom of it to change it. To make it a brighter point of truth and hope.
But the reality of this thought process has me thinking in so many other areas of my life that could benefit from this type of thinking. From a renewed sense of where I can really go if I don't attach negative thoughts and behaviors behind myself. That I don't listen to the little voice in my head that says no - but rather teach it to be friends with the voice that says anything is possible. That you are good at what you have chosen to do. That you are perfect exactly the way you are - and if others can't see that...well that is their problem.
Take a risk - believe that ANYTHING is possible. That the rules that you have believed about yourself in your head - just are not true. That those rules don't apply to you. You can do what you want. You will succeed in whatever you set your mind to. That you can set the nay-sayers right.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
how can you know me?
Random rants in my head and what I really want to believe. I want to be able to go up to you and just kiss you in front of her. show her that you might live with her - but really your heart is with me. You never can let me really out of your head. I am your kryptonite. I am someone you feel really comfortable with. You may really think that you have so much in common with her - but you won't learn anything new.
But them I'm rude to do that too. Because I don't really want you. I want you because I don't have someone else and I am afraid of being alone. But you are not right for me. You never will be. You challenge me. You make me think about what a good fit you are for me.
But you don't really know me. Because I don't really know me either. I don't know me either. I have tried so hard to be what someone else wanted me to me and now I'm on a hunt to find out who I am. Who I am meant to be with.Who will be my perfect match. Who will fit into my world as well as I would fit into his.
But them I'm rude to do that too. Because I don't really want you. I want you because I don't have someone else and I am afraid of being alone. But you are not right for me. You never will be. You challenge me. You make me think about what a good fit you are for me.
But you don't really know me. Because I don't really know me either. I don't know me either. I have tried so hard to be what someone else wanted me to me and now I'm on a hunt to find out who I am. Who I am meant to be with.Who will be my perfect match. Who will fit into my world as well as I would fit into his.
Ready or Not
Do you remember playing hide and seek when you were younger, when someone (the seeker) would bellow, "Ready or not here I come?" Little did I know that this simple phrase would hold so much meaning for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I want to hide from my problems, issues and insecurities. I don't know what to do with my thoughts and feelings. I would rather not deal with "bad stuff" in my life - and hide from it and hope that it might just go away altogether! But then someone or some thing screams from somewhere else saying, "Here I come!"
My life has not come pre-packaged the way I wanted it to. It rarely turns out as I planned (or at least as easily as I had hoped). I can recall the visions I had for my future life from the view of a teen, and then as a young adult, and now as one who is a mom to teenagers myself. I had a vision that I think is like what many other people wish. I didn't really dream to be a rock star or a famous actress. I just wanted a simple life. That never really materialized for me (neither did the rock star or actress thing). Although sometimes it was sort of close...close enough to let me believe that it was within reach.
What I realize now is that life was simply teaching me a lesson that I would have to learn over and over again - and just now am beginning to surrender to. One that says - BE OPEN, seize the opportunity when it is handed to you. No, my life is not what I expected. Some parts not as great, but many so much better.
I am blessed to take the opportunities that I am handed and let myself meander among amazing opportunities that would fulfill someone else's complete bucket list. I am ready to embark on yet another. I am ready...or not....either way here it comes.
Sometimes I want to hide from my problems, issues and insecurities. I don't know what to do with my thoughts and feelings. I would rather not deal with "bad stuff" in my life - and hide from it and hope that it might just go away altogether! But then someone or some thing screams from somewhere else saying, "Here I come!"
My life has not come pre-packaged the way I wanted it to. It rarely turns out as I planned (or at least as easily as I had hoped). I can recall the visions I had for my future life from the view of a teen, and then as a young adult, and now as one who is a mom to teenagers myself. I had a vision that I think is like what many other people wish. I didn't really dream to be a rock star or a famous actress. I just wanted a simple life. That never really materialized for me (neither did the rock star or actress thing). Although sometimes it was sort of close...close enough to let me believe that it was within reach.
What I realize now is that life was simply teaching me a lesson that I would have to learn over and over again - and just now am beginning to surrender to. One that says - BE OPEN, seize the opportunity when it is handed to you. No, my life is not what I expected. Some parts not as great, but many so much better.
I am blessed to take the opportunities that I am handed and let myself meander among amazing opportunities that would fulfill someone else's complete bucket list. I am ready to embark on yet another. I am ready...or not....either way here it comes.
Just Living Life
Ha ha. That title kind of
makes me laugh. Because I don't believe that my life is really in any
way "just living" as most other people might describe it.
I get to do amazing things like going to sneak previews of movies (too many to count), special dinners, special trips, free tickets to sports games, sitting in private suites, VIP treatments...I don't really want to give any of that up. I like it. I like living a life that is beyond what most people describe as normal. I want to fully take advantage of it. Because I know that I am not always going to be offered these types of opportunities.
But then there are things that are sooo normal that I pine for. Something that most people would not think much out of the ordinary. I want someone to share my great perks with (someone to do stuff with). I want a home of my own. I want my kids to grow up to be great and generous people. I want true friends. I want to smile and laugh. I want freedom. I want to feel like I belong. I want to be a part of something bigger.
Why is my "just living life" so much different from someone else's? I know I shouldn't compare. I can't help it. I want it.
I get to do amazing things like going to sneak previews of movies (too many to count), special dinners, special trips, free tickets to sports games, sitting in private suites, VIP treatments...I don't really want to give any of that up. I like it. I like living a life that is beyond what most people describe as normal. I want to fully take advantage of it. Because I know that I am not always going to be offered these types of opportunities.
But then there are things that are sooo normal that I pine for. Something that most people would not think much out of the ordinary. I want someone to share my great perks with (someone to do stuff with). I want a home of my own. I want my kids to grow up to be great and generous people. I want true friends. I want to smile and laugh. I want freedom. I want to feel like I belong. I want to be a part of something bigger.
Why is my "just living life" so much different from someone else's? I know I shouldn't compare. I can't help it. I want it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Can you really have it all?
I don't really believe that you can have it all. I have found that you can either have things going well in your business life or you can have things going well in your personal life but you can't have it all. And when your life is in shambles....well...you can't have it all so you have to figure out which one to focus on.
Right when I make the decision to focus on one part of my life things start to go well there - the other part still in the back of my head. The other one hoovering just below the surface. I try to focus on the things that I do have control over - but realize that I don't have any control at all. I don't have control of who will hire me. I don't have control over who will love me. I don't know the timeline. I wish I could make it all happen in my timeline - but the more I wish and plan the further any of that seems to reality.
I am sad. I am fearful. I am happy. I am hopeful. I feel like I have nothing to hang on to. Just when I think I have life figured out - I have found that I know NOTHING. I have nothing. I am....lost.
Right when I make the decision to focus on one part of my life things start to go well there - the other part still in the back of my head. The other one hoovering just below the surface. I try to focus on the things that I do have control over - but realize that I don't have any control at all. I don't have control of who will hire me. I don't have control over who will love me. I don't know the timeline. I wish I could make it all happen in my timeline - but the more I wish and plan the further any of that seems to reality.
I am sad. I am fearful. I am happy. I am hopeful. I feel like I have nothing to hang on to. Just when I think I have life figured out - I have found that I know NOTHING. I have nothing. I am....lost.
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